Mavis will save us

i survived until 6 pm today on nothing but two cups of coffee and a biscotti. 

use of caffeine as a food source is one of those things, like a nicotine buzz and brunch at your professor's house, that seem to be part of some quintessential college experience that i have heretofore missed out on. 

around six thirty, made a mental note to feel super proud about this, then inhaled a plate of cheese fries with bacon and ranch dressing. nothing feels good like a return to form.

From Craigslist with Love: Ominous Job Listings, Episode 1

The posting:

"Become part of the team of a rapidly growing gossip site in search of a talented female writer to cover celebrity gossip and entertainment. Female writer should play well off lead female writer's personality."

"Our goal is to over-sexualize aesthetically pleasing celebrities that make men and women drool in their pants. Our voice is uncut and unrated. Censorships and social norms are dismantled and replaced with fantasy and addictive humor." 

Read between the lines: 

The "lead female writer" is actually a cranky gorilla named Lacey; you are in charge of patty-cake, banana supplies, and drafting a contingency plan in case someone leaves the cage door open again. Knowledge of sign language a plus. Bonnie, the PR girl who drafted this listing, will be your only ally in the office, which reeks of gorilla urine. Two years ago, she dropped out of West Virginia University, where she was majoring in Women's Studies. Bonnie knows that "censorship" is a non-count noun, but she left the "s" in there to stick it to the man.